Nyland Cohousing

By choosing to live in community we are choosing to have relationships with one another.  In order to assist us in having healthy, working relationships we agree to use the following conflict resolution process.  We agree that it's normal, healthy and inevitable for there to be conflict in relationships.  Having a process that we've agreed upon, and using it as soon as possible when a conflict arises, will help us all have more positive and effective interactions.

Part 1
The first part of the process is making a decision about what to do with the conflict.  Individuals should consider resolving the conflict at the following levels, with the understanding that you can skip steps which you feel are unlikely to help that particular situation:

1. Process internally (see if you can work through your upset and let it go unilaterally; if successful, you need not approach the other person at all).

2. Go directly to the person (this is the quickest path, though it depends on the person feeling safe and sufficiently hopeful about a positive exchange to attempt it without help).  Begin by explaining that you have a conflict and you'd like to make a commitment to working it through to resolution. Ask, "Would you also be willing to work toward a resolution?"

3. Get help from a friend who is willing to listen to your upset (this may include venting) and help you think about constructive ways to communicate with the person.

4. Get help from a friend who is willing to accompany you to witness and/or facilitate the conversation between you and the person.

5. Get help from Well Being.  The committee is available to help any member find a mutually agreeable (that is, acceptable to both the person approaching the committee and the person with the objectionable behavior).   This is a format whereby the feedback can be passed along directly to the person and there is full opportunity for a constructive exchange.

6. Go the community as a whole (as a last resort, you can attempt to work an unresolved issue in the whole group; while hopefully rare, this can be an important and powerful option).

Note that if a third party (or parties) are involved, they do not  need to be members of Well Being. The CAG's job is to find a solution, and need not be the ones who facilitate or safeguard the conversation. At its discretion, Well Being has authority to go outside the community to find suitable help where internal options are unacceptable or deemed unlikely to work.

Part 2
At each of the levels described above there is a four step process to be followed.  This is not intended to be a rigid outline.  Steps 1 & 2 often happen concurrently, or cycle back and forth between the two.  At any point you may find yourself returning to an earlier step to try to complete that step.  Good facilitation is very important.  Everyone needs to have the opportunity to contribute.  Using this process consistently will help us build our conflict resolution skills and allow us to have a norm that is predictable in situations which are already difficult.

1. What are the feelings?  It's hard to listen when we are upset.  In order for progress to be made someone in distress needs to be met emotionally.  The more of this you can do at the beginning the less likely that you'll have to back track. 

2. What's the story?  It's hard to do story and feelings at the same time, but it's difficult to share feelings without wanting to tell the story.  There will be movement between these two steps.  When hearing the story the goal is to listen, not to necessarily agree.  When facts don't match don't get into a battle about deciding who is right, just note that there is disagreement. 

3. What do you want?  Sometimes conflicts arise simply because there is misunderstanding about what someone wants.  This part of the discussion can be open-ended and general in describing what you want.  Specifics come in step 4.

4. What are you willing to do about it?  This must be specific, not general.  And it must reflect not what you want the other person to do (a demand), but what you want to do about it yourself (how you are offering to work with the situation). For example instead of saying "I want people to do their fair share of work in the community", express it as "I want to meet with X and Y from 5:00 to 6:00 p.m. on Wed. evenings to talk about what we've all done for the community that week."

Part 3
It's important to remember that when you are really upset, you still have options.  As we work with the conflict resolution process keep in mind the following options:

1. Exit.  Leave the room, leave the building, leave the community.

2. Ignore.  Practice the ability to let things go.  Some things aren't worth it.  Let it pass through you instead of taking it up.

3. Get the other person to change behaviors.   You have no control over the other person's decision to change or not, so you may not get what you want from asking the other person to change.

4. Change your own feelings.  This does not mean that you shut down your feelings or deny them. It's a more profound process of working through your feelings.  It involves exploring things like, "What is the cost of holding onto my position?  What do I get out of staying in this relationship?"  It involves a great deal of personal work, but it's completely under your control.  This is an underused, but very powerful option. 

Part 4
Well Being will be a community resource for conflict resolution issues.  The group will support people working with conflict by providing facilitation, training to the community as a whole, seeking outside help when needed, and making information available in a notebook in the Common House.